To Ely, Ex
I don’t think you will ever understand how deeply I felt it. So I turn what remains to anger. if I hate you fiercely enough, perhaps I won’t love you anymore. I never stopped loving you, but i will always have too much pride to admit that. And ill never be stable enough to go one way or the other. You never loved me. not as I loved you. I will always yearn for “you.” or the you I made from hope. I loved your possibility more than your reality, the person you might have become, the person I needed you to be. My hatred stems from love. from a love larger than I knew i could hold. larger than anything I had given anyone before. Now that hatred is the last scrap of you I can still reach for. I wonder what it would have been like if i just remained a happy, ignorant doormat for you. I loved you
— c